Love doesn’t equal choice, and choice doesn’t equal love
by Katia Erokhina, MA Gestalt Therapy | PACFA Certified Practising Counsellor
Love doesn’t equal choice, and choice doesn’t equal love. Someone can love us and not choose us, and someone can choose us and not love us. This is where the exploration begins: why do so many people end up with someone who either chooses them but doesn’t love them, or loves them but doesn’t choose them?
It can be tempting to assume that difficulties within a relationship are directly attributable to unresolved issues with a particular parent. However, these dynamics are typically more complex. Parental projections are not necessarily determined by a partner’s gender or sexuality. For example, a paternal projection does not need to be directed towards a male partner. A partner of any gender may evoke or come to represent relational expectations, emotional responses, or patterns historically associated with a mother, father, or other significant caregiver.
So what happens then? Why do we find ourselves drawn to people who are difficult for us? Part of the pull is the idea that we can change the old story and give it a new ending. It’s unfinished business, it has gravity, and often it isn’t conscious at all.
You don’t magically attract anyone.
You get pulled into the pattern as it unfolds, often before you realise what’s happening. Familiar dynamics take shape through contact, and once you’re inside them, they can create a stickiness that is hard to step out of.
And we’re not wrong for feeling that pull. It makes sense. It’s familiar, and it’s wired into us. That doesn’t mean we should endure harmful dynamics or lose ourselves in the process. It means the longing itself is understandable.
For example, one person moves towards connection when things feel uncertain, while the other pulls back to feel safe. If both are willing, they can work with this dynamic and grow together.
The issue with much of modern social media messaging is its simplicity:
“Choose someone who’s choosing you.”
Yes, that matters. At the same time, many people end up with someone who challenges them.
We talk about healthy love and unhealthy love, and we try to clearly divide the two, but I don’t believe it’s that black and white. We have become quick to pathologise relationships. Yes, some relationships are toxic or abusive and need to be taken seriously. But not every difficult relationship fits that category.
A marker of growth is when people can recognise the needs of their younger selves without asking their partners to carry them:
I can tend to myself first, so I don’t ask you to do what isn’t yours to do.
I also want to understand how my relational history is impacting you, and I want to learn how to choose you and love you in ways that are meaningful to you.
When both of us can say that, it means they can grow together.